be aware
that you are not loving her
you are just loving her love

that
makes such a difference
when erasing scars

and my mother said
gifts from her mean nothing baby
they meant nothing back then
they just come with heartache.

of course i'm scared.
i guess you should've stayed.

our relationship was overrated
but i always thought maybe we could run away.

I 'aint going back.
catch me if you can.

maybe i can only love you
through these words
maybe i can only truly have you
when we share a lucid dream

one thing we have in common
is we only talk to say it's over
so why does my head scream your city
when i think about your tongue.

Silence has a lot of power. 

Contradictions have a lot of history behind. 

Is this really going to be our main connection? Our only connection?

I feel like there has been a power outage in my throat. 

Light me up, so my voice has sound once again. 

Infinite.

When I first started this blog, my intention was to create poems and pieces of personal experiences I've had these last years.

This would be a mixture of very intimate parts of my heart and mind, that I somehow translate into words and than I later type until something grows in personal significance and becomes a label with different meanings. It could be a poem or it could be garbage. I leave that to the ones that are reading me right now. 

When I first started this blog, I didn't mean for anybody to read this. And I think it's toxic to keep writing about the same subject over and over again. It's so tempting though, because I know I'm heard specifically by whom I want to be heard. 

I did it because I thought it would heal me. But it's not. So I am leaving. 

It's not that I'm going to stop writing about you, or writing at all. I'm going to stop writing for you. 

That's why I'm changing my url. Because as much as I've fought for you to exist in many of my nerve cells, this is it. You are okay, I am okay. I know you love me, you know I love you. 

I loved you the first time, and I will love you until the last time. 

6 de Julio de 2015

Justo dos meses después de haber escrito por última vez... Me siento terriblemente sola. Infinitamente sola. Siento que la soledad se apodera enteramente de mí, y que yo me la quedo mirando con resignación.
Lo cierto es que nunca vas a sentir la conexión que la sociedad vende. La vida es soledad. Y tristemente es extrañamente bonito.
Mi hogar no es mi pareja, ni la casa que compartimos, ni las cosas materiales que poseo.
El hogar soy yo. Creo que el hecho de tener más principios que otras personas sólo me va a dar soledad. Soledad. Quizá esa es mi vida. Soledad. Lana me ha podrido. Y por ahora no sé sanarme.
Siento tantas cosas hacia ella. Pero ella traiciona lo que tenemos. Creo que la impulso a subir pero ella insiste en seguir pisándome. Nadie es culpable, supongo. Pero lo cierto es que no aguanto más. No es sano seguir cargando con su pesimismo existencial. Me siento mal. No me encuentro nada bien. Me siento desgastada. No me gusta. No me gusta en quién me he convertido durante esta relación. Lana me ha consumido.
No la necesitas. 

oniria encuentra a insomnia,
los dos conectan bien.
quizás en otra vida,
fueron un mismo ser. 

someday we'll rise.

Everyone knows I'm right about one thing

You and I don't work out

You bring out the mean in me

I bring out your insecurities

You know what I am talking bout

Eventually you'll be fine if we break up

And one day I'll be fine too

But we should just end it now

Before someone gets more hurt than they have to

As for our house, I'll move out

You can keep the dog we trained

Things soon will be like before I ever met you

Before I ever met you

Before I ever met you

I never knew that my heart could love so hard

Before I ever met you

I never knew I could be enemies with disregard

Before I ever met you

I never knew that I liked to be kissed for days

Before I ever met you

I never knew I could be broken in so many ways, ways

I never knew I could be broken in so many ways, ways

I never knew I could be broken in so many

Everyone knows I'm right about one thing

You are my only vice

And I got you addicted to trying to be bulletproof

But you have too much to lose

As for our house, I'll move out

You can keep the dog we trained

Things soon will be like before I ever met you

Before I ever met you

Before I ever met you

I never knew that my heart could love so hard

Before I ever met you

I never knew I could be enemies with disregard

Before I ever met you

I never knew that I liked to be kissed for days

Before I ever met you

I never knew I could be broken in so many ways, ways

I never knew I could be broken in so many ways, ways

I never knew I could be broken in so many

Everyone knows I'm right about one thing

You and I don't work out

it's amazing how sometimes
doesn't matter how much effort
you've put into something

it
doesn't
work

your teeth can feel
the powerlessness

like someone's accusing you of something
you haven't even done
and you are sure about it
because you've dedicated weeks and months
doing just the opposite
in order for that thing to become beautiful

that's when
they accuse you anyway
that's when
it becomes ugly

- offense

wondering if
you will come next week
with balloons and gluten free sugar free everything free chocolate cake
and you will step out of that neon car
eager to fight like a little monkey
eager to play cheesy lame music
that you know I kind of secretly love
like in one of those romantic comedy movies
we used to watch before going to sleep.

if she still cares

how the fuck would i know

maybe all we had is just

a lie i've created to convince myself

that our love was unique

maybe it wasn't special

maybe i want to believe it was

how the fuck would i know

maybe we are forgetting

what our world looked like

maybe you are finding

more beautiful universes now

but i'm not

i'm not forgetting.

when something as simple as a song defines everything you and I are to perfection.

sometimes i wonder if,

when we are both online 

you are also staring at our conversation 

she whispered in my ear
"you're not strong to withstand the storm"
today i whisper in her ear
"i am the storm"

if only we had jet lag again
if only we cried for avocados
if only we complaint because we both want a massage
if only we fought for juice
if only we got burnt with tea
if only we drove home mad as hell
just to make up at home

because home was not physical
we were home

the sound of your breath
makes me wanna ring your bell

but i can't,
can't just slam your door
will you come instead?
will you say hello first?

you are tired
i am tired too
my body cries
cause you don't feed it

how come is so hard for me
to digitally break this into pieces

i can only draw infinite knots
when you grow around my mind
like wind spreading tree leaves
like waves colliding in my eyes

and my thighs feel lonely sometimes
convinced them you don't want to screw
my legs shiver when you do
i'm still here and you know why

the water is cold by now
but your tongue
your tongue is warm
and still wants
to blend with mine

living in a golden cage

is not that bad

when a girl you love

is lying next to you

it’s almost like 

you could open the door

and let all the darkness leave 

the organs of your body

where darkness was starving

and begging to be treated with mercy.

she warms your heart 

and lights up the existence of your body

who am i 

to be hurt because of that

and every morning i say to myself
if you are still dying
to talk to her tomorrow
if you still think it's a good idea

then talk to her.

oblivious

i would have travelled anywhere
to find her voice once again

but i didn't
i was afraid her voice had changed
and it had

- Work in progress -

The curves of your body

made my skin feel numb

like the day I dreamt about you

like the nights I cried alone//spent without her

The scars that we both have

are just an illusion

of all the kisses that 

we swore to keep alive

But we failed

we failed

we failed

now we won't get up

now we just give up

we failed

We both needed time

to become someone better

I promised I'd be back

you swore you would never forget about this

The no soulmates.

Esta es la única conexión que nos queda.
Es frágil, cómo todo lo que nunca abandonamos.
Mi mente siente paz,
las rendijas de ti en mí sienten peso.

La libertad que me has dado hoy está llena de enigmas
en los que se pierden sentimientos encontrados.

Hasta el día de hoy,
tu felicidad cargaba sobre mí.
tu amor cargaba sobre mí.
tu dolor cargaba sobre mí.

Mi ego podría estar lamiéndose las heridas,
pero últimamente le tengo bien enseñado.
Espero desde la esencia de lo que soy,
que vivas el mundo desde ojos libres.

Porque el amor siempre es buena noticia.
Porque ahora las dos somos definitivamente libres.
No me leas más.

A mi Alter Ego le privo de muchos placeres.

The next one deserves transparency.

Ayer hice el mejor pan de plátano sin gluten ni azúcar que he probado en mi vida.
Era consistente y esponjoso. No hacía falta ni tostarlo. Una pasada.
Valerie, ayer pensé en la vida. En mi vida. En tu vida. En lo mucho que deseo que estés bien. En lo mucho que te aprecio, en lo poco que sé de ti. Y así seguirá. Porque un cómo estás entre nosotras nunca se queda en un cómo estás.
A veces me siento inútil escribiendo estas cosas, porque todo conduce a que has pasado página. En muchos sentidos yo también, pero siempre te tengo reservado un pedazo intocable de mí. Y así será.
No puedo irme del todo, al menos no por ahora.
La vida es muy corta para ser infelices. Ahora que has vuelto a este continente y has visto otra realidad de cómo podría ser tu vida, espero que tu actitud sea más alentadora.
Estoy segura de que sí.

Con un sentimiento imposible de explicar,

- M.

Nuestra relación era especial, no puedo negarlo.
Y precisamente porque era especial, no sé bien cómo describirla.
Empecemos por las cosas buenas.


Inside jokes, hacer como que no nos conocemos, el elegante y sensual Johnny, nuestras cenas caseras y el café por las mañanas. Las notitas en la biblioteca, mensajes subidos de tono en WetPussy, hogar, las palabras bonitas, placeres físicos inconcebibles para la mayoría de humanos, cócteles desastre, macarrones en la sopa, cartas a distancia, los kebabs con final agridulce, el pan paleo, las peleas por quien tiene más zumo, los 5 minutos de agua caliente de tu ducha, la música Disney del coche, pies bonitos, facetimes que duran más de la cuenta, empresas y más ideas de empresas, tú piano y yo voz,  las despedidas, las bienvenidas, el sofa de Valencia, las fotos haciendo el idiota y princesas guerreras.

Las cosas malas... Esas ya las sabemos. Y realmente no quiero ponerlas.

Veinte días para mi cumpleaños.

- Cómo estás? 

Escribo una y otra vez. 

Pero no me atrevo, al igual que tú no te atreves. 

Mañana nos vamos a Lisboa.
Siempre que viajo me cuesta dormir.
No sé muy bien por qué.
Tengo miedo de quedarme dormida y perderme la experiencia,
lo cuál es una tontería porque nos vamos en coche.

Llevamos música, comida y muy buenos amigos.
Estoy sorprendentemente contenta.
Más de lo que he estado estas últimas semanas.
Supongo que necesito desconectar y dejar de ver
mis estadísticas constantemente.

Tengo un buen presentimiento.
La oportunidad en Viacom,
vacaciones con amigos, me he comprado un libro super interesante de
Haruki Murakami y pienso ponerme un 10% más morena de lo que estoy.
Es decir, color Latte Macchiato.

Cada vez me doy cuenta
de que son las cosas pequeñas
las que más feliz me hacen.

Salvo que nunca puedo contarte a ti, claro.
Supongo que tú eres mi última bala,
y por eso no puedo tenerte.